WORKING WITH A GREEN-EYED GREMLING?
Portia:
How all the other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love,
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy,
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing: make it less,
For fear I surfeit.
The Merchant of Venice (W.Shakespeare, 1596)
I recently spoke to a friend of mine who had longed for a promotion for quite some time already, and when the desired position became vacant, he went for it – with full confidence that it will be his. Instead – his colleague got the job. He pointed out how they had actually been sort of like friends before, but now all he does is “flashing his expensive Armani suit, plans perfect weekend getaways with his perfect family, and plays golf with the other highflyers on weekends”. Apparently, he has always been an Armani dude, has been married for some 12 years, and fond of golfing since forever – nothing had really changed in his lifestyle or his habits after the promotion, it was just suddenly very much in my friend’s face. And I couldn’t help, but notice that he looked - well!- greenish. He had been bitten by the green Gremling (no, not the one that cannot get wet, but the one feeding on envy).
What triggers the "green"?
First of all: why envy is metaphorically referred to as "green", right? Normally (and at least for me), I would think of “green” as something pure, natural, eco. Good stuff, really. However, the colour green is also associated (without getting too graphic here) with sickness: when someone is seriously ill, then their complexion gets a greenish tinge to it. And envy is pretty much the same – it eats you up like a bad illness when fed and nurtured. Hence, you turn "green"!
The green Gremling in a professional context can be triggered by a variety of reasons, but mostly due to someone doing better and making the other person feeling inadequate as a result. Bagged a good project? Got promoted? Became the boss’ new fav? Popular among colleagues? Professional envy can be detrimental since it makes one not see the bigger picture (i.e. successful individual = success for team and organization as a whole), but rather focus on their personal needs and feelings instead. It is natural and humane to compare ourselves to others (how healthy it is, is a completely different matter) and once we realise that “they know more-can do better-really look the part”, then it raises a question - if I see it, then surely others see it too? Meaning – it makes one look less.
So you are on the green-eyed monster’s radar?
The initial reaction to it often is “It is their problem, not mine. I have worked my backside off to get where I am”. Agreed and it might well be so, however, it is always healthy and constructive to be open-minded as well as solution-focused. Whether you like it or not, although a feeling felt by one person, it affects also other people, teams, possibly the organization as a whole. And yes – also you. Therefore, I have put together some pointers to be considered should you get on the "green" radar:
1. Try their shoes on!
Or in other words: place yourself in their position and try seeing things from the jealous colleague’s perspective. Why do they feel that way? How do they perceive you? Why do they see you the way they do? Is it still just their problem or maybe you have also some part in it to play? It doesn’t mean that you have to change, but it just helps to better understand why they could feel this way, and how to best react to them next time the green-eyed monster crawls out to play. At the end of the day: everyone, yes everyone (including the jealous colleague and yourself), wants to feel worthy, appreciated, and good in the enviornment they function in, hence look how to possibly make amends if you actually have the power to do so.
2. Maintain your sense of humour!
Work can be stressful at times anyways, so why to complicate it with overly consuming emotions and destructive relationships? Let’s be clear that by no way do I hereby suggest laughing at your jealous colleague for feeling the way they do (welcome to letting the hell loose!), but have your “inner laugh” instead ('coz the alternative would be to cry, and it's not an alternative in my books this time). Read about a tip that imagining oneself in a workplace sitcom with mentally inserting a laugh track when relevant throughout the day really helps. Worth to give it a try, right?! Little (inner) laugh never killed anybody.
3. Nip the damage in the bud!
It is very likely that the jealous colleague will set you up as much as possible as “the bad person/failure/odd one out”, and there will be some backstabbing going on at the lunch table or coffee corners. Remain being yourself: the friendly, smiley, polite, and happy to help professional you are. Sooner or later (no matter the position of the jealous backstabber), it will come to bite their green butt – actions speak louder than words, and others will see it in time as well!
4. Talk it out!
This is what mature adults do: they talk about things with an aim to solve them, and then move on. When politely addressing the issue with the jealouse colleague, then: a) refer only to facts regarding the change in their behaviour, and do not get sucked up in emotions (“Well I saw you rolling your eyes yesterday when I stepped into the coffee room”, and instead say “Yesterday when coming to the coffee room you made a remark X and left the moment I arrived. Have I done anything to upset you?”; b) by no means start defining their feelings (“I think you are jealous” etc etc). If you have bragged about something that annoyed them or unintentionally offended them, then apologise for it. If it was something you have earned (a promotion etc), then explain the reasons behind it (why you got it) and encourage as well as inspire them to do the same. And sometimes it happens that it really is something out of your control: if they want to feel the way they do, are not open to solve it, and live on feeding the “J” monster, then just accept it and known that you have done your part. Maybe in time they are willing to roll the ball back to you?!
5. Remember: you are a good person!
Someone making you feel in a certain way can in time really start to take a toll on one’s self esteem. A jealous colleague can make you feel insecure, question your skills and qualities, and your role in the team as well as the organization as a whole. Stop right there! Keep your head up high, be kind to yourself and others, and focus on doing the best job you can, and being the good person that you are. World is a big place, full of lovely people who are more than willing to share their sandwich with you. And: never badmouth them since this will make you no better than them. You are a good person, remember? Hugs.
Green is not my colour!
I have always been the “weirdo” who seeing others succeed says “Well done you! So happy for you!”. And I always-always-always wholeheartedly, cross my heart, Scout’s honour mean it. I must also admit that seeing jealousy in people (incl. professionals) truly stuns me: why don’t you go out and do the same or even better? The only person stopping you is not your “competitor”, but you yourself. Or maybe I have just realised very long time ago that green just isn’t my colour!
P.S. Those concerned that I have broken the "friendship privacy clause", then my friend has given his permission to be featured in the blog intro since by now he has solved the situation as a mature adult he is, and no - he no longer has any green tinge whatsoever to his complexion.
How all the other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love,
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy,
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing: make it less,
For fear I surfeit.
The Merchant of Venice (W.Shakespeare, 1596)
I recently spoke to a friend of mine who had longed for a promotion for quite some time already, and when the desired position became vacant, he went for it – with full confidence that it will be his. Instead – his colleague got the job. He pointed out how they had actually been sort of like friends before, but now all he does is “flashing his expensive Armani suit, plans perfect weekend getaways with his perfect family, and plays golf with the other highflyers on weekends”. Apparently, he has always been an Armani dude, has been married for some 12 years, and fond of golfing since forever – nothing had really changed in his lifestyle or his habits after the promotion, it was just suddenly very much in my friend’s face. And I couldn’t help, but notice that he looked - well!- greenish. He had been bitten by the green Gremling (no, not the one that cannot get wet, but the one feeding on envy).
What triggers the "green"?
First of all: why envy is metaphorically referred to as "green", right? Normally (and at least for me), I would think of “green” as something pure, natural, eco. Good stuff, really. However, the colour green is also associated (without getting too graphic here) with sickness: when someone is seriously ill, then their complexion gets a greenish tinge to it. And envy is pretty much the same – it eats you up like a bad illness when fed and nurtured. Hence, you turn "green"!
The green Gremling in a professional context can be triggered by a variety of reasons, but mostly due to someone doing better and making the other person feeling inadequate as a result. Bagged a good project? Got promoted? Became the boss’ new fav? Popular among colleagues? Professional envy can be detrimental since it makes one not see the bigger picture (i.e. successful individual = success for team and organization as a whole), but rather focus on their personal needs and feelings instead. It is natural and humane to compare ourselves to others (how healthy it is, is a completely different matter) and once we realise that “they know more-can do better-really look the part”, then it raises a question - if I see it, then surely others see it too? Meaning – it makes one look less.
So you are on the green-eyed monster’s radar?
The initial reaction to it often is “It is their problem, not mine. I have worked my backside off to get where I am”. Agreed and it might well be so, however, it is always healthy and constructive to be open-minded as well as solution-focused. Whether you like it or not, although a feeling felt by one person, it affects also other people, teams, possibly the organization as a whole. And yes – also you. Therefore, I have put together some pointers to be considered should you get on the "green" radar:
1. Try their shoes on!
Or in other words: place yourself in their position and try seeing things from the jealous colleague’s perspective. Why do they feel that way? How do they perceive you? Why do they see you the way they do? Is it still just their problem or maybe you have also some part in it to play? It doesn’t mean that you have to change, but it just helps to better understand why they could feel this way, and how to best react to them next time the green-eyed monster crawls out to play. At the end of the day: everyone, yes everyone (including the jealous colleague and yourself), wants to feel worthy, appreciated, and good in the enviornment they function in, hence look how to possibly make amends if you actually have the power to do so.
2. Maintain your sense of humour!
Work can be stressful at times anyways, so why to complicate it with overly consuming emotions and destructive relationships? Let’s be clear that by no way do I hereby suggest laughing at your jealous colleague for feeling the way they do (welcome to letting the hell loose!), but have your “inner laugh” instead ('coz the alternative would be to cry, and it's not an alternative in my books this time). Read about a tip that imagining oneself in a workplace sitcom with mentally inserting a laugh track when relevant throughout the day really helps. Worth to give it a try, right?! Little (inner) laugh never killed anybody.
3. Nip the damage in the bud!
It is very likely that the jealous colleague will set you up as much as possible as “the bad person/failure/odd one out”, and there will be some backstabbing going on at the lunch table or coffee corners. Remain being yourself: the friendly, smiley, polite, and happy to help professional you are. Sooner or later (no matter the position of the jealous backstabber), it will come to bite their green butt – actions speak louder than words, and others will see it in time as well!
4. Talk it out!
This is what mature adults do: they talk about things with an aim to solve them, and then move on. When politely addressing the issue with the jealouse colleague, then: a) refer only to facts regarding the change in their behaviour, and do not get sucked up in emotions (“Well I saw you rolling your eyes yesterday when I stepped into the coffee room”, and instead say “Yesterday when coming to the coffee room you made a remark X and left the moment I arrived. Have I done anything to upset you?”; b) by no means start defining their feelings (“I think you are jealous” etc etc). If you have bragged about something that annoyed them or unintentionally offended them, then apologise for it. If it was something you have earned (a promotion etc), then explain the reasons behind it (why you got it) and encourage as well as inspire them to do the same. And sometimes it happens that it really is something out of your control: if they want to feel the way they do, are not open to solve it, and live on feeding the “J” monster, then just accept it and known that you have done your part. Maybe in time they are willing to roll the ball back to you?!
5. Remember: you are a good person!
Someone making you feel in a certain way can in time really start to take a toll on one’s self esteem. A jealous colleague can make you feel insecure, question your skills and qualities, and your role in the team as well as the organization as a whole. Stop right there! Keep your head up high, be kind to yourself and others, and focus on doing the best job you can, and being the good person that you are. World is a big place, full of lovely people who are more than willing to share their sandwich with you. And: never badmouth them since this will make you no better than them. You are a good person, remember? Hugs.
Green is not my colour!
I have always been the “weirdo” who seeing others succeed says “Well done you! So happy for you!”. And I always-always-always wholeheartedly, cross my heart, Scout’s honour mean it. I must also admit that seeing jealousy in people (incl. professionals) truly stuns me: why don’t you go out and do the same or even better? The only person stopping you is not your “competitor”, but you yourself. Or maybe I have just realised very long time ago that green just isn’t my colour!
P.S. Those concerned that I have broken the "friendship privacy clause", then my friend has given his permission to be featured in the blog intro since by now he has solved the situation as a mature adult he is, and no - he no longer has any green tinge whatsoever to his complexion.
