DOES IT HAVE TO BE LONELY AT THE TOP?
“Kings have no friends – only subjects and enemies”, said Stannis Baratheon bluntly (USA sci-fi writer George R.R. Martin' s “Game of Thrones”).
Actually the phrase "It is lonely at the top" comes from a Chinese proverb that in direct translation refers to "It is cold in the mountain top". This very proverb conveys via the metaphor of cold, the feeling of loneliness that (top) leaders (apparently) often experience. And proverbs are apparently born out of everyday experience, from our very own lives. Hence, how familiar is in your as a top leader's work day a scenario when you go to grab yourself a morning coffee, and you end up feeling like a complete outsider in the middle of colleagues who suddenly appear to be sucked out of life? When just a minute ago the coffee corner was filled with contagious laughter and lively chatter, then with your arrival it has been replaced with an almost tangible feeling of discomfort: "Right, we will head to work then....". At this very moment you get a clear feeling of being the thorny black monster among your bright yellow minions who dash away to carry out their assignments. There is nobody to even curse that morning' s terrible weather with....
“This is not what I dreamed about…”
You have contributed a great deal in your success, worked your ass off, and gone through thick and thin in order to achieve the position where you are now. It has all come at a high price or so you thought, but maybe the time to pay the real price - the price of loneliness - has arrived only now?! Everything was supposed to be different: in addition to an office with an awesome view, a fancy glossy company car, and a really attractive remuneration package (holiday in the Maldives and a summer cottage with a sauna by the sea), you should be surrounded by a lot of supportive and trusting people who follow you. Reality is, though, way different with investors constantly breathing into your neck, the sleepless nights haunted by making the right decisions, and the 24/7 filled with nothing but endless loneliness. That was not part of the plan! Although - loneliness as such is not completely and utterly negative. Personally, I think that loneliness for a leader as well as any individual is even essential at times - in order to reflect, for (self-)analysis, and investing into one' s development. Isolation, however, is a different matter altogether - it is unhealthy since it makes us lose the connection with reality as well as people surrounding us.
How to beat the demon of isolation?
Since I am working in an executive position and as a professional coach supporting other leaders on their journey, then I have come to notice an occurring pattern of issues on which basis I have prepared a 7-method model on how to beat the demon of isolation as a leader. I would like to hereby make it clear that it is by no means aimed to somehow educate or lecture you, but rather is an outcome of analyzed observations as well as actual practices which may offer you as a top leader some form of joy of recognition and consolation. You are not alone.
7 methods for coping with loneliness:
1. Remember that whilst being a role-model, you are also still a human being
Once you find yourself in the responsible "shoes" of a top leader, you need time to adapt. You also need to adapt to the fact that you have immediately become the organization's center of attention. I admit that being constantly "under the magnifying glass" is totally exhausting and although the idea of being the admired superhero could have been "this is exactly what I want" some time ago, then the harsh reality hits the Superman sooner or later. The frequent notion that a leader is not allowed to make any mistakes and is perfect in everything is a satanic mental torture created by the leader himself. A true leader is anything by inhuman (read: perfect) and making mistakes demonstrates your humanity also to others, whilst increasing the feeling of "he is one of us". Even more so - a true leader is in a constant process of development which is why making mistakes provides confirmation also them acquiring new knowledge on regular basis. You wish to be an inspiring role-model to your people whom they can associate themselves with? Then start by being a human.
2. Surround yourself with people you can trust
As far as appropriate people of trust are concerned, then these are not individuals with a ready-made standard role profile, but your professional circle of trust may contain people outside of the organization (e.g. a former boss, mentor or coach) as well as those inside the company (e.g. a manager-colleague and/or an subordinate). Hereby, it is essential that those people would feel safe in expressing their views to you, hence make sure to confirm your expectation for an honest feedback not only with words, but also with actions. No execution of the ones expressing their honest opinion or attacking them due to your feeling of bitterness! Even when you do not agree with the presented viewpoint, then at least respect the other person for expressing it. And when the initial emotion to what you have just heard makes your blood pressure skyrocket, then just breathe calmly in and out whilst analyzing the information constructively. It may be quite possible that this message holds something that enables you to become an even better leader.
3. You have every right for your feelings
All our feelings at the time of feeling them are always okay and they must be respected. Take time for yourself, accept your emotions, and analyze their roots. When looking at oneself honestly and asking: "Why do I feel lonely?", then this is already a huge step towards finding a solution to it. A sincere response does not only allow you to identify the reason of the emotion, but allows you to consciously start dealing with it.
4. Join the other “lonely hearts"
Communicating with other (top) leaders allows you to share experiences and support each other as they are well aware of what you are facing. Knowing that there are also others who "have been there, done that, got the T-shirt" and successfully survived it is encouraging as well as a good reminder that you are far from being alone.
5. Be "in the field"
A manager hiding in an ivory tower (read: an office with a door always closed) is isolated and creates a feeling of alienation should they sometimes happen to come out of their lair. Considering that, then one surely cannot get upset with others feeling about them the way they do, right? Be Branson-like: reachable and amongst your people since it works miracles. Being there for your people, investing into them, and showing sincere interest towards their activities (without coming across as a non-trusting and micromanaging control freak), one can build truly successful teams and organizations. Share the hardships and victories since clinking your champagne glass with the monitor on your own seems like a fairly sad perspective.
6. Hire yourself a coach
From my personal experience I can confirm that my conscious leadership journey started when I myself became a coachee - this has been the best decision of my professional life. Involving a coach in your development as a leader is beneficial already due to the fact that you can speak to them about all subjects, whilst knowing that they take no advantage whatsoever of your decision-making process. Being a completely neutral voice and asking you powerful questions, a good coach helps you to see many different possibilities. They support your road of self-discovery where being honest with oneself and creating possibilities for oneself makes it possible to climb through any bottleneck.
7. Maintain a balanced life
True, our work life bites a huge and important part out of our life cake, but besides being a leader you have also many other roles in your life: possibly you are someone's spouse/partner, parent, friend...First and foremost, you are an individual, so when leaving your workplace, hang your leader costume on a hook, and be yourself in all the other wonderful roles of your life.
** ** **
Oh these choices, these choices...
To sum it up, it must be admitted that we always have several choices at hand. You can always choose whether you want to be a boss just presenting the company's annual economic results or a leader who keeps their office door open for people. You have a choice whether to trust only yourself or also those who side-by-side with you are creating success stories on daily basis. You have a choice whether to live to work or work to live. You have a choice whether to be in a windy mountain top on your own or together with your people. What do you choose?
Article published in Estonian under the title of "Kas tipus ikka peab üksildane olema?" in a leadership magazine Director (August 2015).
Actually the phrase "It is lonely at the top" comes from a Chinese proverb that in direct translation refers to "It is cold in the mountain top". This very proverb conveys via the metaphor of cold, the feeling of loneliness that (top) leaders (apparently) often experience. And proverbs are apparently born out of everyday experience, from our very own lives. Hence, how familiar is in your as a top leader's work day a scenario when you go to grab yourself a morning coffee, and you end up feeling like a complete outsider in the middle of colleagues who suddenly appear to be sucked out of life? When just a minute ago the coffee corner was filled with contagious laughter and lively chatter, then with your arrival it has been replaced with an almost tangible feeling of discomfort: "Right, we will head to work then....". At this very moment you get a clear feeling of being the thorny black monster among your bright yellow minions who dash away to carry out their assignments. There is nobody to even curse that morning' s terrible weather with....
“This is not what I dreamed about…”
You have contributed a great deal in your success, worked your ass off, and gone through thick and thin in order to achieve the position where you are now. It has all come at a high price or so you thought, but maybe the time to pay the real price - the price of loneliness - has arrived only now?! Everything was supposed to be different: in addition to an office with an awesome view, a fancy glossy company car, and a really attractive remuneration package (holiday in the Maldives and a summer cottage with a sauna by the sea), you should be surrounded by a lot of supportive and trusting people who follow you. Reality is, though, way different with investors constantly breathing into your neck, the sleepless nights haunted by making the right decisions, and the 24/7 filled with nothing but endless loneliness. That was not part of the plan! Although - loneliness as such is not completely and utterly negative. Personally, I think that loneliness for a leader as well as any individual is even essential at times - in order to reflect, for (self-)analysis, and investing into one' s development. Isolation, however, is a different matter altogether - it is unhealthy since it makes us lose the connection with reality as well as people surrounding us.
How to beat the demon of isolation?
Since I am working in an executive position and as a professional coach supporting other leaders on their journey, then I have come to notice an occurring pattern of issues on which basis I have prepared a 7-method model on how to beat the demon of isolation as a leader. I would like to hereby make it clear that it is by no means aimed to somehow educate or lecture you, but rather is an outcome of analyzed observations as well as actual practices which may offer you as a top leader some form of joy of recognition and consolation. You are not alone.
7 methods for coping with loneliness:
1. Remember that whilst being a role-model, you are also still a human being
Once you find yourself in the responsible "shoes" of a top leader, you need time to adapt. You also need to adapt to the fact that you have immediately become the organization's center of attention. I admit that being constantly "under the magnifying glass" is totally exhausting and although the idea of being the admired superhero could have been "this is exactly what I want" some time ago, then the harsh reality hits the Superman sooner or later. The frequent notion that a leader is not allowed to make any mistakes and is perfect in everything is a satanic mental torture created by the leader himself. A true leader is anything by inhuman (read: perfect) and making mistakes demonstrates your humanity also to others, whilst increasing the feeling of "he is one of us". Even more so - a true leader is in a constant process of development which is why making mistakes provides confirmation also them acquiring new knowledge on regular basis. You wish to be an inspiring role-model to your people whom they can associate themselves with? Then start by being a human.
2. Surround yourself with people you can trust
As far as appropriate people of trust are concerned, then these are not individuals with a ready-made standard role profile, but your professional circle of trust may contain people outside of the organization (e.g. a former boss, mentor or coach) as well as those inside the company (e.g. a manager-colleague and/or an subordinate). Hereby, it is essential that those people would feel safe in expressing their views to you, hence make sure to confirm your expectation for an honest feedback not only with words, but also with actions. No execution of the ones expressing their honest opinion or attacking them due to your feeling of bitterness! Even when you do not agree with the presented viewpoint, then at least respect the other person for expressing it. And when the initial emotion to what you have just heard makes your blood pressure skyrocket, then just breathe calmly in and out whilst analyzing the information constructively. It may be quite possible that this message holds something that enables you to become an even better leader.
3. You have every right for your feelings
All our feelings at the time of feeling them are always okay and they must be respected. Take time for yourself, accept your emotions, and analyze their roots. When looking at oneself honestly and asking: "Why do I feel lonely?", then this is already a huge step towards finding a solution to it. A sincere response does not only allow you to identify the reason of the emotion, but allows you to consciously start dealing with it.
4. Join the other “lonely hearts"
Communicating with other (top) leaders allows you to share experiences and support each other as they are well aware of what you are facing. Knowing that there are also others who "have been there, done that, got the T-shirt" and successfully survived it is encouraging as well as a good reminder that you are far from being alone.
5. Be "in the field"
A manager hiding in an ivory tower (read: an office with a door always closed) is isolated and creates a feeling of alienation should they sometimes happen to come out of their lair. Considering that, then one surely cannot get upset with others feeling about them the way they do, right? Be Branson-like: reachable and amongst your people since it works miracles. Being there for your people, investing into them, and showing sincere interest towards their activities (without coming across as a non-trusting and micromanaging control freak), one can build truly successful teams and organizations. Share the hardships and victories since clinking your champagne glass with the monitor on your own seems like a fairly sad perspective.
6. Hire yourself a coach
From my personal experience I can confirm that my conscious leadership journey started when I myself became a coachee - this has been the best decision of my professional life. Involving a coach in your development as a leader is beneficial already due to the fact that you can speak to them about all subjects, whilst knowing that they take no advantage whatsoever of your decision-making process. Being a completely neutral voice and asking you powerful questions, a good coach helps you to see many different possibilities. They support your road of self-discovery where being honest with oneself and creating possibilities for oneself makes it possible to climb through any bottleneck.
7. Maintain a balanced life
True, our work life bites a huge and important part out of our life cake, but besides being a leader you have also many other roles in your life: possibly you are someone's spouse/partner, parent, friend...First and foremost, you are an individual, so when leaving your workplace, hang your leader costume on a hook, and be yourself in all the other wonderful roles of your life.
** ** **
Oh these choices, these choices...
To sum it up, it must be admitted that we always have several choices at hand. You can always choose whether you want to be a boss just presenting the company's annual economic results or a leader who keeps their office door open for people. You have a choice whether to trust only yourself or also those who side-by-side with you are creating success stories on daily basis. You have a choice whether to live to work or work to live. You have a choice whether to be in a windy mountain top on your own or together with your people. What do you choose?
Article published in Estonian under the title of "Kas tipus ikka peab üksildane olema?" in a leadership magazine Director (August 2015).