ARE YOU ALL EARS?
“Hi, I am calling about a product I recently purchased from your store. It is not working and I am disappointed...”
“Hello, I am very sorry to hear that. Please explain in more detail why you are upset.”
“I am not upset. I am disappointed!”
“Ahah, so why are you then unhappy?”
“I AM NOT UNHAPPY!!! When a minute ago I was disappointed, then now I am FUUUUURIOOOOOUUUUUUS!!!”
In English the phrase “I hear you” is equivalent to “I see” (another essential use of a sense (visionary, even when metaphorically!) besides using one’s ears for receiving information) or “I see what you mean” with the latter referring to the one listening getting what the other person just spoke about. This sounds like the speaker has been heard, but have they been also listened to? Like REALLY listened to? You could only assume, but should you? Active listening is a skill (something we are not just blessed enough to be born with, I am afraid) which is the basis of any effective communication where the key is building and maintaining relationships. However, it is fairly typical (and humane) that in this ever busy world we are often so consumed by listening to just our own thoughts (even if that!) that we often miss the ones of others. Until it is too late. How to become and be the real “all ears” kind of person? Here is my golden five (and it does work when practised on regular basis as well as consciously applied).
1. BE AN ATTENTIVE REFLECTOR!
Active listening with an objective to really understand where the other person is coming from includes the combination of the two: firstly, attentiveness which is expressed also in our body language (eye contact, gestures, posture, and facial expressions) as a reflection to what we are hearing (that is also one way of feedbacking, besides the verbal expression). In that sense, you are not just listening with your ears, but with your whole body. And, secondly, reflection which in essence means repeating back to the speaker what you have just heard. It may also include paraphrasing, however in my profession as a professional coach, I have learnt that people often prefer hearing back the very same words they had used - not synonyms, not your chosen adjectives. Why? Simply because their used words are usually the ones they can relate to the most since even similar content words can trigger a different emotion in different people. For example, for you “sad” may be the same as “unhappy”, however for someone else one could mean something stronger or then again not strong enough. Hence- something to watch out with!
2. BE PRESENT!
No reading emails, checking the phone, posting on FB, and/or thinking what to fill the fridge with for the night as there is nothing but a piece of rottening bread from God-knows-from-when. Also, elimination of all sorts of distracting factors starting from a ringing phone to wandering thoughts is a MUST! Be here now, 150% concentrated, and focused in the moment. Remember- being present when the person is sharing their thoughts is a simple, yet powerful sign of respect. Show it, follow it, embody it!
3. AVOID JUDGEMENT!
Be open-minded, neutral, and curious. It is fairly humane to have “an answer ready” before the talk starts or quickly getting into a certain mindset already at the beginning of the conversation which does limit one's ability to really listen. Let the speaker finish without interruptions, and ask any questions for clarification in the end or during appropriate pauses. This is the correctly balanced and mutually respectful listening-speaking process.
4. BE EMPHATIC!
This is an easy one for emotionally intelligent people, but just try and imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: what could the speaker be feeling and what would you feel if you were them? It does not mean you have to agree with them, however identifying oneself with the speaker allows one to better understand them as well as create a respectful bond.
5. DON’T TRY TO BE A SUPERHERO!
Let’s say someone shared their personal issue with you and you really-really-really want to help them. Please remember that listening to someone is not only about offering immediate solutions and fixing problems. Being there and showing your support by listening to them is already a huge help. I can confirm that it is far from rare that people reach to solutions best suited for them via listening to their own thoughts expressed loudly as well as them being reflected back to them. And even when you are desperate to give advice, then always ask for a permission before you start offering it.
LISTEN TO LEARN!
Listening is essential for several reasons: this allows us to obtain information; to understand the other person and their reasons behind their actions; - and most importantly – to learn! People are truly amazing full of incredibly interesting thoughts, ideas, perspectives, and experiences which is why being an "all ears" sponge Bob is a superb method of learning.
When I was a kid (and this probably applies to most kids), then the best way to learn was to try it (whatever this IT then happened to be) out myself. Even when told that oven is hot, then to be really sure about it, I had to test touch it. Great example of hearing, but not listening. Over years having become a conscious listener, I have learnt and grown in so many ways. Oh yes – and no more “burning my fingers” as often as I otherwise would.
“Hello, I am very sorry to hear that. Please explain in more detail why you are upset.”
“I am not upset. I am disappointed!”
“Ahah, so why are you then unhappy?”
“I AM NOT UNHAPPY!!! When a minute ago I was disappointed, then now I am FUUUUURIOOOOOUUUUUUS!!!”
In English the phrase “I hear you” is equivalent to “I see” (another essential use of a sense (visionary, even when metaphorically!) besides using one’s ears for receiving information) or “I see what you mean” with the latter referring to the one listening getting what the other person just spoke about. This sounds like the speaker has been heard, but have they been also listened to? Like REALLY listened to? You could only assume, but should you? Active listening is a skill (something we are not just blessed enough to be born with, I am afraid) which is the basis of any effective communication where the key is building and maintaining relationships. However, it is fairly typical (and humane) that in this ever busy world we are often so consumed by listening to just our own thoughts (even if that!) that we often miss the ones of others. Until it is too late. How to become and be the real “all ears” kind of person? Here is my golden five (and it does work when practised on regular basis as well as consciously applied).
1. BE AN ATTENTIVE REFLECTOR!
Active listening with an objective to really understand where the other person is coming from includes the combination of the two: firstly, attentiveness which is expressed also in our body language (eye contact, gestures, posture, and facial expressions) as a reflection to what we are hearing (that is also one way of feedbacking, besides the verbal expression). In that sense, you are not just listening with your ears, but with your whole body. And, secondly, reflection which in essence means repeating back to the speaker what you have just heard. It may also include paraphrasing, however in my profession as a professional coach, I have learnt that people often prefer hearing back the very same words they had used - not synonyms, not your chosen adjectives. Why? Simply because their used words are usually the ones they can relate to the most since even similar content words can trigger a different emotion in different people. For example, for you “sad” may be the same as “unhappy”, however for someone else one could mean something stronger or then again not strong enough. Hence- something to watch out with!
2. BE PRESENT!
No reading emails, checking the phone, posting on FB, and/or thinking what to fill the fridge with for the night as there is nothing but a piece of rottening bread from God-knows-from-when. Also, elimination of all sorts of distracting factors starting from a ringing phone to wandering thoughts is a MUST! Be here now, 150% concentrated, and focused in the moment. Remember- being present when the person is sharing their thoughts is a simple, yet powerful sign of respect. Show it, follow it, embody it!
3. AVOID JUDGEMENT!
Be open-minded, neutral, and curious. It is fairly humane to have “an answer ready” before the talk starts or quickly getting into a certain mindset already at the beginning of the conversation which does limit one's ability to really listen. Let the speaker finish without interruptions, and ask any questions for clarification in the end or during appropriate pauses. This is the correctly balanced and mutually respectful listening-speaking process.
4. BE EMPHATIC!
This is an easy one for emotionally intelligent people, but just try and imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: what could the speaker be feeling and what would you feel if you were them? It does not mean you have to agree with them, however identifying oneself with the speaker allows one to better understand them as well as create a respectful bond.
5. DON’T TRY TO BE A SUPERHERO!
Let’s say someone shared their personal issue with you and you really-really-really want to help them. Please remember that listening to someone is not only about offering immediate solutions and fixing problems. Being there and showing your support by listening to them is already a huge help. I can confirm that it is far from rare that people reach to solutions best suited for them via listening to their own thoughts expressed loudly as well as them being reflected back to them. And even when you are desperate to give advice, then always ask for a permission before you start offering it.
LISTEN TO LEARN!
Listening is essential for several reasons: this allows us to obtain information; to understand the other person and their reasons behind their actions; - and most importantly – to learn! People are truly amazing full of incredibly interesting thoughts, ideas, perspectives, and experiences which is why being an "all ears" sponge Bob is a superb method of learning.
When I was a kid (and this probably applies to most kids), then the best way to learn was to try it (whatever this IT then happened to be) out myself. Even when told that oven is hot, then to be really sure about it, I had to test touch it. Great example of hearing, but not listening. Over years having become a conscious listener, I have learnt and grown in so many ways. Oh yes – and no more “burning my fingers” as often as I otherwise would.